Everytime when my semester break ends, I couldn't help looking back what I have done for the past 2 months. I know. People do that all the time. Even when they are 50, they will start looking back, wondering whether their lives will be better if they marry sexy Penny or Peter the hunk who plays the guitar. People say it's gay to look back and ponder on what you have already done. It's bolder to just go ahead with what lies ahead. You might rip Miranda Kerr off Orlando Bloom and make her your second wife or vice versa...... Delusional

I love my holidays this time around. The previous one made me so eager to start college asap but this one, I hope it lingers. Yea, I enjoyed it. Very much, in fact. I have bounced back from the dark times of my spiritual life, then there's Penang and the other makan-makan trip that I end up oversleeping and right now, I am still waiting for answers on whether I should stay back for the ministries that I have heart on or fly over to Australia for my final year, which had been my dream since I started college. It's funny how things can change overtime and as much as I hate to admit it, those people whom I disapprove of for telling me that things might not turn out to be how we wished or planned are actually right for once.

I am starting to realise that the ability to still dream the same dream so many interventions is as good as flying and all the ones in Heroes. No. I have not given up on my dreams but when things around you change and you are influenced or attracted to different things, your dreams might change too. Before this, I wanted to win all the movie awards available in the industry. Golden Globe, Oscars, Berlin, Cannes, Venice, Sundance..etc. It's an honour and indeed a glory as I believe no one, or not many filmmakers actually have all those awards in their trophy cabinets. But now, all I want to do is just to influence lives..and change them. I want to help young people to get the right perception of life and I want them to know Jesus. I am not into honours anymore, because I think that it is more significant to mankind if you are able to bring change to the society- not just any change but a positive one.

My best kawan told me she's concerned that I might not be happy for not chasing my dreams for the sake of others, but she also said that whatever path I choose, I have her support. Thank you, kawan for believing in me...and don't worry. I'll be happy..because I know He will give me the best things and my life, I am living for a purpose.

Security

I believe when humanity start giving a damn about psychology, counseling and shrinks, the word 'insecurity' had seen the silver lining of its existence in the English dictionary. We all know how insecurity brought about both the type of people we hate and we worship. Insecurities bred defensive punks who can easily start a civil war with you when you step on their tails or people whom you can't get a word of of their mouth because they are too afraid to be judged by what they utter. Another species that insecurities asexually bred is vanity, I believe. And humanity worships the vanity of celebrities who spent millions on the clothes and thousands on their hair and another thousand to cut 10 years off their face. But for annoying people around us who are self-conceited by dolling up and camwhore with their camera phones, we secretly wish to stifle them with our RM10 pillow.

Haha. Insecurities...



But sometimes security isn't the best thing one can hope for. We all like the inevitable, the mould that makes us feel safe, the feeling of steadiness and the guarantee of what we invest in. If we talk about marriage, yea. Women, find someone who can give you security....But yesterday I realised security sometimes limit us from going further. People today would like to find a job that can secure their monthly pay for their BMW installment...and to eat in LaFite...only to realise that they have missed out on what they can achieve by pursuing their dreams and interest. Security had limit me from going to the next level with Him. Security makes us reluctant to let go of something that can hinder us from advancing because it feel so good to hold on to it. Security hold us back from attempting a risk, so that we will not lose out if things fail. In Christianity, worship is to honour and experience the presence of God, but I am so busy trying to fit everything into the mould that I fail to feel His presence around me.

I think deep inside, I am afraid to feel unsteady. Maybe that's why I can't let go of certain things in my life. Maybe that's why I still can't swim, because letting go gives you risk of drowning. I really want to let go...I am trying to.

Three Cheers for Rojak and Thankfulness..

Aimee finally eats...after weeks of studying for her finals...haha

They say green tea is good for digestion, but the wonders of it is still a myth to me. Well, it's not that your body will send you an SMS telling you that your digestive system is working really fine or your stomach Twitter you, saying 'Thanks for the green tea...I feel better now..' Maybe I should go for a huge eating row one day and drink a jug of green tea after that. I'll see how long after I'll start pooping my buttocks off.




You know, happiness comes in small packages sometimes; in a bowl of cendol with pulut and a plate of rojak with extra tofu that you savour with your friends. Laughter will just burst out when you think and talk about how you overslept and the usually oversleeping one is in time and got up much earlier. haha. Or the ecstatic of knowing that you scored well for the last essay you did for last semester. I don't need to compare myself with others to put myself on top of the world, or be with the 'it' group that parties like animals in Singapore Zoo. All I need is just to be thankful that my day turned out well, and I have fun memories to cherish.

And I ta-pau the rojak...because it was good..and also because I found out that my blood pressure is quite low...need to eat to bring it to 120...Nolah. I'm just greedy.

Upon knowing that my unofficial, secret rival of the past got married at this age where we just start to discuss about our future career and how we might not go back for reunion, I can't help but wondering that we are all grown up and receiving such news will be as staple as potatoes to the Europeans.

She's this girl whom I went to the same high school with whom my mum always compare with when I was in form 1. My mum will told me how she got 7As, got into 1 Bestari (It was the top class back then) and how intelligent she is. Today, when I know that she got married and starting a family at such a young age, I am tempted to feel proud of myself and yell 'You see!!! I am better off now, isn't it!!!!' but I can't. I know that I probably get the opportunity to achieve what I want compared to her, but it's just evil to secretly be proud of yourself and call her a loser.

Angelin and I spent almost a whole day talking about how when we grow up, people will start measuring us with the societal thermometer of success. Do we have the 6Cs, how much do you earn a month, is the company you work in a listed company and how big is your car? And 7 years from now, there'll be a reunion organised by the kiasu ones, aiming to test whether anyone can top their latest Volvo they just bought by climbing the corporate ladder. Maybe we were thinking too much, but there is always a possibility. Seriously, we are worried that we might not get to earn enough for our living, coz though money's not everything, we still need them to survive. But we are okay to know that we still have hope in our lives though we don't earn as much.

In fact, we'll be happy because we know that we have chosen a path not because it provides us a lucrative lifestyle, but something we enjoy doing. So what if we don't get rich by the age 30 for bailing out on direct selling? So what if you people earn RM10,000 a month while we only have RM3,500? Angelin's okay with her old Mini while I am fine with the latest Saga. I guess it's okay with living the life we are happy and comfortable with in different fashions. So, if my unofficial, secret rival is happy with getting married at 21, I wish her all the very best in life and may she has a blissful and blessed marriage life ahead. And when the reunion thing comes true, I'll just play with her kids...or watch a sad movie with Angelin and Aimee through a mp4 or something. haha.

Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home

Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone

This is Maya Angelou's 'Alone'. I randomly clicked her name when I was trying to log into my email account. I am far from a noob when it comes to literature but this poem in a way touched my heart. Yea. No matter how strong we are or we want to be, we can never make it out there alone.

Sir, You Got It All Wrong...

I finally submitted my Malaysian Studies project, and presented on my topic. My lecturer was all praises after I presented, saying that everyone should imitate me and telling the whole class that he gave me 9.8 out of 10 marks for presentation. As flattering as those praises may be, the concoction of feelings in my heart is what makes me uneasy now.

Honestly, I only spent about a week to do the project and my presentation slides were done like an hour before the presentation...fine, maybe two hours before it but it was totally last minute. He was telling the whole class how much effort I probably have invested on my project as he browse thorough my project, saying that it is probably a two-months work. Deep down, I feel guilty because I really don't deserve those praises. I really wanted to tell him or email him to say that 'take back those praises...I don't deserve them..I did it last minute'. I actually thought that this is one of the worst projects I have ever done, not because of the topic but the fact that I didn't try my best in doing it. Sigh.

I seriously don't know how to react to this. I was thinking maybe my work stood out because I am classmates with a group of people whose English level are not so good and who don't give a damn about this shit. Maybe if I were to be in the same batch as the Pre-U students, my work will probably be crappy.

Then again, I am thankful that I have finished it and actually be praised for doing so.